thoughtsofthin

Jeez Louise

2009-04-13T19:58:43Z

I ate another piece of toast (60 calories) with about 3/4 packet of Portion Pac Grape Jelly (normally 35 calories a pack... so probably like 25 calories).

I'm Just Too Hungry

2009-04-13T19:16:53Z

1 slice classic white Wonder bread - 60 calories

For shame.

Fine and Good

2009-04-13T18:49:36Z

I just went running/walking for 22 minutes and 9 seconds.
It went like this. (Yes, I do have to be painfully detailed... always.)

1 minute running
1 minute walking
1 running
1 walking
1 running
1 walking
etc. etc. until I had been doing that for 19 minutes... then...
2 minutes running
2 minutes walking
1 minute running
9 seconds walking

It was an awesome run. All outside around Mizzou's campus in the rain, but not too cold. It was beautiful and euphoric. Just like the old days...

Oh.

And I ate 2 more peanut butter crackers - 67 calories.

Just One More

2009-04-13T17:52:31Z

Yeah, I ate another cracker. The pain wasn't excruciating yet, but I'm about to go running and I know that it will get really bad and I don't want to pass out or anything.

Anyway - 33 calories more.

Had to Stop the Burning

2009-04-13T15:28:40Z

I ate 3 Frito Lay peanut butter on toast flavored crackers (1.38 oz) - 100 calories.
I'm not ashamed. It was necessary. When it gets to a certain point, I know I need to eat. Otherwise I pass out or have a seizure. It's not worth proving I have control to that extent. Not anymore anyway. I've done it enough to know I'm strong enough and move on.

Empty Calories

2009-04-13T14:08:21Z

Add 6 oz. Fruit Punch Flavored Soda - 84 calories.
What a fucking waste.

Back to Trackin'

2009-04-13T12:36:34Z

So I've been anorexic for flippin' forever, but calorie counting has always been an on-and-off thing for me (mainly due to not having access to the internet for so long). Even though I know I've been consuming less than 1,000 calories a day for the past... forever... it drives me crazy not knowing the exact amount. Not very healthy thinking, I know. But it's not worth fighting it right now.

Breakfast - Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut 1.2 oz (35g) Granola Bar (Almond Flavored) - 160 cals

Probably won't end up eating anything else until my free sandwich at work today, but we'll see. I never eat until I'm to the point of excruciatingly unbearable pain and/or feeling like I'm about to pass out and/or feeling like I'm about to (or actually ending up) vomiting because of how hungry I am. The "hunger" part just doesn't register. Only the recognition of needing to feed myself. It's quite sad.

I'm Sweating Like a Pig

2009-03-06T04:05:55Z

Probably because I'm fat.
I'm 142.2 today.
Two days ago I weighed 140.6.
Fuck me.

I'm High...

2009-02-26T17:58:32Z

...Like a Kite.

And I'm not eating. :)

Easy peasy.

In Case Anyone Was Interested...

2009-02-24T11:12:12Z

My day so far:

Woke up.
Smoked weed. ("Wake 'N' Bake")
Got on the internet.
Smoked weed.
Got on the internet.
Masturbated.
Texted.
Wrote about my opinion on different musicians and bands.
Listened to music.
Started making a collage of artists I like:

Papa Roach
The Shins
John Mayer
Avenue Q
Kanye West
The Pioneers
Wicked
Snoop Doggy Dog
The Beatles
Queen

Then I smoked some more and masturbated again.
No eating.
Water drinking.
God I love life.

What have you guys been up to so far today?

Happy High Times

2009-02-24T08:57:48Z

Saturday... in the park... I think it was the Fourth of July. Should that "F" be capitalized?
Wocca wocca... Who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?
I like music.
That's not a joke.
I was just randomly quoting the "Family Guy" parody of a ghetto, gangsta Fozzy bear.
What the hell am I talking about?
It doesn't even matter.
I'm high.
And I'm not eating.
And it doesn't bother me.
Yeahhhhhhhh weed.
:)

I'm an Anorexic, and Yeah, I Do Want a Perfect Body

2009-02-20T16:55:30Z

Why do so many of you think there's only one way to be anorexic?

There are many reasons people become anorexic. Just because your reasons are different from mine doesn't make you a "real" anorexic and me a fake one. I've been to multiple eating disorder clinics and I have one of the most complicated forms of anorexia (according to multiple psychologists, psychiatrists, and eating disorder professionals I've been to).

Before you all judge people you might want to take a step back and realize that you are not the definition of anorexia. You are just one of many cases.

Just because you have an insatiable desire to look perfect (as in fatless, total delusion, obviously) does not mean you are not anorexic. It's not vanity. It's just another mindset that leads to anorexia. We don't all get into it for the same reasons, but we're all into it now, so how about instead of judging each other we do what this site was actually set up for and support each other?

I Don't Wanna Be

2009-02-19T17:37:50Z

I don't want to be anorexic, but I want to have a perfect body.

I'm trapped.

Me? A Model?!

2009-02-12T16:55:19Z

What a joke, right?
How the fuck is someone with the most fucked up body image and lowest opinion of herself supposed to show off the body that she hates so much?

I don't know.
I'm scared.

But people keep telling me I'm beautiful.
They keep telling me I have a great body.
So how come when I look in the mirror I don't see that?
Who's the liar, the mirror or the people?
I guess I'll never know.

But just in case, I'm gonna keep on starving myself.
I need to see myself the way other people claim to see me, and I can't see myself that way unless I am thin. I'm either perfectly beautiful and skinny or I'm ugly. There is no middle ground. Not for me.

Will I ever be good enough?

Making My Insides Match My Outsides

2008-12-24T22:14:10Z

I have to self-harm.
I don't know how else to cope.
I see the blisters forming.
The burns were pretty bad this time.
Good.
I want them to be.
I want the pain to be so bad that it will completely overwhelm the emotional pain and I won't even know it's there.
Physical pain is so much more bearable.
Burning myself is actually relief from a much more real and intense pain that dominates my life.
I wish I knew a better way.

I Really Really Really Don't Like Him Sometimes

2008-12-24T22:05:38Z

I don't understand my boyfriend.
He's so moody.
Nothing is ever enough for him.
He's pissed all the time.
I cleaned the whole house today and waited for him to say something. Nothing.
Then he got pissed because he said the only reason why he was going home for Christmas was because I wanted to. He never even told me that before and acted like I was forcing him to go against his will. He was so pissed at me and wouldn't even talk to me about it.
He left. I don't know where he is. He'll be back.
I guess I should enjoy my time without him.
I hate it so much.
I can only be happy when I'm with him, but only when he's happy, which is randomly and when we're high. Which means most of the time, I'm completely miserable.
He brings so much misery into my life, but I love him. I know I'm going to continue staying in this relationship despite the fact that it is destroying me.
Some things never change.

Has It Really Come to This?

2008-12-23T17:56:16Z

I can't function properly.
All I can think about is Josh.
We're really not friends anymore. Even more than the time he kicked me out of his room. It's over. He even deleted me from his facebook friends.
But I am full of nothing but love and sadness. I write him messages from time to time telling him how things are going and letting him know I'm here for him.
Something just isn't right here.
I bought him a Christmas present too.
Fuck me.

.iIi..iIi.

2008-12-18T15:42:29Z

I have a paralyzing fear of answering the phone most of the time.

Two-Face

2008-12-18T14:56:53Z

Outwardly I try so hard to seem happy, well-adjusted, and put together. Inwardly I feel like a total loser and outcast who's trying (and failing) to be one of the popular kids or something dumb like that. I feel ugly, stupid, awkward, weird, and just generally unlikeable.
I try so hard to be perfect.
If you got a grade for effort I would have an A+.
But trying doesn't matter.
It's results that count.
But I have to keep trying in hopes that one day it will bring results.
That's right.
I have to perfect.
Maybe it's not possible, but I have to try just in case it is.

Stop It, Brain!

2008-12-18T14:27:20Z

Why won't you let me stop thinking that everyone hates me and finds me disgusting?! I know it's not true, but you force me to believe it. You put pictures of my friends having fun without me on facebook and you make me think they all hate me and are glad I'm not there!
Oh no.
It's not you, brain.
It's not your fault.
It's mine.
I am the problem.
You are right.
Or is this just me giving into you?
Either way, I believe it now.

Am I going insane?

Rededication

2008-12-04T17:37:38Z

I'm rededicating myself to anorexia. Ana and I are one again. I refuse to leave her. I will cling to her for sustenance and strength. She will be my everything. I went to rehab and thought I wanted to live differently for awhile, but I know I was wrong now.

I will be thin.

I will be perfect.

No one can tell me that it's impossible. I'll prove them all wrong.

Sidesplitting

2008-11-28T10:15:44Z

I feel my sides splitting.

I always love Thanksgiving at first. The "exception day". But as soon as it's over, I regret it.
I feel my skin stretching everywhere. Bulges are all over the place. I must have gained ten pounds.
I look in the mirror.
I almost throw up.
I disgust myself.

Start again tomorrow. That's what I'll do. For now I'll hate myself, but I'll be beautiful one day.

Bladabla

2008-09-11T16:08:18Z

I'm so bored with life. Everyday is the same. I have 100 things to do and no motivation to do any of it. I should so be doing homework right now, but am I? Hell no. I just can't bring myself to do anything these days.

On the bright side, I wasn't sick this morning! I found out you have to take food with the medication I'm taking right now, which is awesome...

But yeah, at least I wasn't sick this morning.

So I will say, switching from bulimia to anorexia was not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. The first couple of days were a cinch... granted my boyfriend had to tackle me to the ground in order to keep me from going to the bathroom to throw up what little I had eaten. I'm able to keep stuff down myself now though. It's really hard, but my teeth were suffering so I had to quit. The last time I binged was hellas ago. The last time I purged was Sunday. I'm doing pretty well for a recovering bulimic and reconverted anorexic.

Please God, Not This

2008-09-10T13:44:45Z

I've had morning sickness really bad for the past week or so. I can't even go to my morning courses. It really sucks. I'm worried I may be pregnant! I hope to God this isn't the case. I was sure that with my ED and everything I would be infertile. I don't know what I'll do if I am pregnant. My mom doesn't even know I'm having sex. This is such a disaster. I can only hope it's just a bad reaction to the meds I take in the morning.

Paradigm Change

2008-09-09T20:58:37Z

My counselors have been telling me that I need to make a paradigm change in my life in order to overcome my bulimia. So I did. I'm back to anorexia again. Hope they're happy...