thoughtsofthin

I ate another piece of toast (60 calories) with about 3/4 packet of Portion Pac Grape Jelly (normally 35 calories a pack... so probably like 25 calories).

1 slice classic white Wonder bread - 60 calories

For shame.

I just went running/walking for 22 minutes and 9 seconds.
It went like this. (Yes, I do have to be painfully detailed... always.)

1 minute running
1 minute walking
1 running
1 walking
1 running
1 walking
etc. etc. until I had been doing that for 19 minutes... then...
2 minutes running
2 minutes walking
1 minute running
9 seconds walking

It was an awesome run. All outside around Mizzou's campus in the rain, but not too cold. It was beautiful and euphoric. Just like the old days...

Oh.

And I ate 2 more peanut butter crackers - 67 calories.

Yeah, I ate another cracker. The pain wasn't excruciating yet, but I'm about to go running and I know that it will get really bad and I don't want to pass out or anything.

Anyway - 33 calories more.

I ate 3 Frito Lay peanut butter on toast flavored crackers (1.38 oz) - 100 calories.
I'm not ashamed. It was necessary. When it gets to a certain point, I know I need to eat. Otherwise I pass out or have a seizure. It's not worth proving I have control to that extent. Not anymore anyway. I've done it enough to know I'm strong enough and move on.

Add 6 oz. Fruit Punch Flavored Soda - 84 calories.
What a fucking waste.

So I've been anorexic for flippin' forever, but calorie counting has always been an on-and-off thing for me (mainly due to not having access to the internet for so long). Even though I know I've been consuming less than 1,000 calories a day for the past... forever... it drives me crazy not knowing the exact amount. Not very healthy thinking, I know. But it's not worth fighting it right now.

Breakfast - Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut 1.2 oz (35g) Granola Bar (Almond Flavored) - 160 cals

Probably won't end up eating anything else until my free sandwich at work today, but we'll see. I never eat until I'm to the point of excruciatingly unbearable pain and/or feeling like I'm about to pass out and/or feeling like I'm about to (or actually ending up) vomiting because of how hungry I am. The "hunger" part just doesn't register. Only the recognition of needing to feed myself. It's quite sad.

Probably because I'm fat.
I'm 142.2 today.
Two days ago I weighed 140.6.
Fuck me.

Saturday... in the park... I think it was the Fourth of July. Should that "F" be capitalized?
Wocca wocca... Who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?
I like music.
That's not a joke.
I was just randomly quoting the "Family Guy" parody of a ghetto, gangsta Fozzy bear.
What the hell am I talking about?
It doesn't even matter.
I'm high.
And I'm not eating.
And it doesn't bother me.
Yeahhhhhhhh weed.
:)

Why do so many of you think there's only one way to be anorexic?

There are many reasons people become anorexic. Just because your reasons are different from mine doesn't make you a "real" anorexic and me a fake one. I've been to multiple eating disorder clinics and I have one of the most complicated forms of anorexia (according to multiple psychologists, psychiatrists, and eating disorder professionals I've been to).

Before you all judge people you might want to take a step back and realize that you are not the definition of anorexia. You are just one of many cases.

Just because you have an insatiable desire to look perfect (as in fatless, total delusion, obviously) does not mean you are not anorexic. It's not vanity. It's just another mindset that leads to anorexia. We don't all get into it for the same reasons, but we're all into it now, so how about instead of judging each other we do what this site was actually set up for and support each other?

I don't want to be anorexic, but I want to have a perfect body.

I'm trapped.

What a joke, right?
How the fuck is someone with the most fucked up body image and lowest opinion of herself supposed to show off the body that she hates so much?

I don't know.
I'm scared.

But people keep telling me I'm beautiful.
They keep telling me I have a great body.
So how come when I look in the mirror I don't see that?
Who's the liar, the mirror or the people?
I guess I'll never know.

But just in case, I'm gonna keep on starving myself.
I need to see myself the way other people claim to see me, and I can't see myself that way unless I am thin. I'm either perfectly beautiful and skinny or I'm ugly. There is no middle ground. Not for me.

Will I ever be good enough?

I have to self-harm.
I don't know how else to cope.
I see the blisters forming.
The burns were pretty bad this time.
Good.
I want them to be.
I want the pain to be so bad that it will completely overwhelm the emotional pain and I won't even know it's there.
Physical pain is so much more bearable.
Burning myself is actually relief from a much more real and intense pain that dominates my life.
I wish I knew a better way.

I don't understand my boyfriend.
He's so moody.
Nothing is ever enough for him.
He's pissed all the time.
I cleaned the whole house today and waited for him to say something. Nothing.
Then he got pissed because he said the only reason why he was going home for Christmas was because I wanted to. He never even told me that before and acted like I was forcing him to go against his will. He was so pissed at me and wouldn't even talk to me about it.
He left. I don't know where he is. He'll be back.
I guess I should enjoy my time without him.
I hate it so much.
I can only be happy when I'm with him, but only when he's happy, which is randomly and when we're high. Which means most of the time, I'm completely miserable.
He brings so much misery into my life, but I love him. I know I'm going to continue staying in this relationship despite the fact that it is destroying me.
Some things never change.

I can't function properly.
All I can think about is Josh.
We're really not friends anymore. Even more than the time he kicked me out of his room. It's over. He even deleted me from his facebook friends.
But I am full of nothing but love and sadness. I write him messages from time to time telling him how things are going and letting him know I'm here for him.
Something just isn't right here.
I bought him a Christmas present too.
Fuck me.

I have a paralyzing fear of answering the phone most of the time.

Outwardly I try so hard to seem happy, well-adjusted, and put together. Inwardly I feel like a total loser and outcast who's trying (and failing) to be one of the popular kids or something dumb like that. I feel ugly, stupid, awkward, weird, and just generally unlikeable.
I try so hard to be perfect.
If you got a grade for effort I would have an A+.
But trying doesn't matter.
It's results that count.
But I have to keep trying in hopes that one day it will bring results.
That's right.
I have to perfect.
Maybe it's not possible, but I have to try just in case it is.

Why won't you let me stop thinking that everyone hates me and finds me disgusting?! I know it's not true, but you force me to believe it. You put pictures of my friends having fun without me on facebook and you make me think they all hate me and are glad I'm not there!
Oh no.
It's not you, brain.
It's not your fault.
It's mine.
I am the problem.
You are right.
Or is this just me giving into you?
Either way, I believe it now.



Am I going insane?